Sat 3 Dec 2011
Like today, exactly one year ago, the love story with Tabby came to an end.
It’s peculiar how it happened. We have been loving each other like mad, we have been so utterly happy, and all of a sudden so many things come down tumbling.
It was december the second, and it was right after midnight that day when I wrote the first desperate message to a friend; many others followed, even though I knew they wouldn’t be read for many hours. It felt like screaming in the void, but I had to do it.
I also had time to buy a ticket to fly home, and the word “home” sounded so strange when I thought that it wasn’t Copenhagen. The ticket was for saturday the 4th, 2 days from now, and a lot of things happened in the meanwhile.
We both had our lives changed that night; I am not sure how she lived it but god knows if it did hit me hard.
I won’t get into details, but nothing would let think what was coming. And I am usually very aware of signals.
I can remember it as if it was yesterday: a long sleepless night, the emails sent, the knowledge of having lost a great love, and along, the chance of a better life gone in the span of one hour. That life I had hoped for for years, without knowing it existed. That life that, once found, I have fought for keepin’. And ultimately, one of the best girls I met in my life.
I remember at some point in the night, around 3 or 4am, I decided to do a thing I never did before: going to pay a visit to the huge park in front of our house. A thick snowy layer on the ground and utter silence reigned; and a moon, strangely not obscured by clouds, was spreading light everywhere and it looked like daylight. The crispy sound of my steps on the fresh snow were like offending that peace. So I stopped but stayed for a long time there.
I needed peace.
I reckon I don’t have it yet, not even now. But I like to think about that moment of complete solitude, yet close home; at least it was still home, even though for not so long.
I got back, wrote some more mails and at some point I felt overwhelmed and fell asleep. I think I remember Tabby putting a blanket on me early in the morning, before going at work.
The following day, december the 3rd, was some nightmare. I was drunk with sleeplessness but still, I needed to prepare my luggage. Choosing what to bring was the hardest part. My life was there, and whatever I’d choose, I knew something important of my life wasn’t going to be with me. It’s strange how one gets attached to things when they can’t have the person they crave to have close.
In the afternoon Tabby came home and, from then on, we had some of the best moments in our life together. That is, absolutely ordinary moments, but they seemed great even though they were belonging to something that was -already- gone.
We had a nice dinner, then we sat down for a movie, that we didn’t finish to watch as none of us slept a lot the night before, and eventually we went to bed.
But every single minute was precious.
Saturday morning, the 4th, we stayed in bed, hugging each other, and telling, or trying to remember to each other, the happiest moments we lived together. Like when we went at the aquapark, the funny moments in our long trips to Italy by car, the silly arguments at the mall, the italian vacations, or one of the best presents I ever received, that is a 2-days stay on the moen island to see the chalk rock cliffs.
Or simply, that time that we put on the xmas decorations, just a few days before. Sounds absurd, even to me, but that morning in bed was such a happy moment for the both of us!
And that hours were well spent, because we needed to be sure about our memories, about remembering every single detail, about our need to remember how happy we had been.
Then the time for leaving came, and I left.
She was on the door, waving me off. It happened too quickly for both, to understand how big that thing was.
I have been in Denmark again later, living in our very house, fixing things in the house as if nothing happened, but things were different. Today is the day, the anniversary of something that ended for good exactly one year ago.
And right as then, I can’t get my sleep..
At this point I am not that sure to heal.
I went for a walk tonight.
I didn’t see that park.
I didn’t see any.
I didn’t see the snow.
I didn’t hear the silence.
I miss her voice.
Somebody, please, forgive me for my mistakes.
And give me peace.